Friday, 1 July 2011

The biggest club in the world revealed!


It's rare that this blog deals in 'news'. But this is just too big to ignore.

It strikes, in fact, at the very heart of 'bigness'.

Scientists working in a secret base in Switzerland (no reason it should be secret, no real reason it should be Switzerland; you're already suspicious, I can tell) have come up with a super computer that will prove once and for all who the 'biggest' club in the world is.

Based on the Large Hadron Collider, football's version is the Big Ron Collider.

The question of bigness has, of course, been the subject of relentlessly erudite debate amongst the most sophisticated football fans for decades. And the controversy hasn't been limited solely to who is the 'biggest' club but, at every level, who is the 'bigger' club - meaning no one has been left out.

At no stage have these arguments been futile, annoying and ultimately pointless. In fact, there is a widespread belief that if these questions can be answered to everyone's satisfaction then there will be no need to carry on playing actual football matches at all.

Why, I myself was jovially bantering back and forth with a Chelsea supporter just the other week about which of our two clubs was 'bigger'. We took various factors into account: history, spending power, trophies, domestic support, global profile, the fact that he was a fucking bell end, loads of things. It really was quite lively stuff - and all in good sport, obviously.

Such speculation is, however, a thing of the past.

Because, using a complex system of matrices and coefficients, fans will now simply have to enter their team's name into the Big Computer and they will be issued with a Bigness Factor - the ultimate, cast iron and irrefutable indicator of their club's standing in the game. If their BF is bigger than another fan's BF, they win. There will be no argument.

You know, I haven't used the word 'coefficient' since school. I'll be fingering Pamela Watson* next.

Those two statements are both untrue and, important this, very much connected. I didn't just drift off topic and update you on my schedule for the day.

Anyway, back to the story - and the 'Big' pay off....

What this means, of course, is that we now know who the biggest club in the world is. The Toblerone munching boffins fed every scrap of relevant data into the funnel at the top of their whirry, clanky machine, pulled a comically oversized lever, checked everything twice, consulted some clipboards because it felt like the right thing to do, and were then confident enough to declare once and for all who is the biggest team on the planet.

And the answer is.... 42.

Now, let that be the fucking end of it.


* Names have been changed to protect the innocent. Pam's hasn't as she was never remotely innocent - God bless her.

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