Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Lovely Luka Vs filthy lucre


In the 'Flaming Moe' episode of The Simpsons, there comes a point where Homer is so traumatised and obsessed by the fact that his old friend and trusty barkeep has stolen the recipe and credit for his cocktail that all he can do is stumble through life as if in a trance, repeating over and over again, 'Moe, Moe, Moe, Moe...'

That was basically me a few days ago re. Modric.

Yes, the pasty faced Croatian who essentially looks like an ugly 15 year old girl has come to dominate my summer. It was the early '80s the last time an ugly 15 year old girl dominated my summer. And that didn't end well either.

The Daily Mail interview containing those heartbreaking quotes broke quite late and I was quite drunk. Which must explain why I was crying; just tired and emotional, surely.

The next day I was out and about, wandering through cemeteries, shopping for rope, that sort of thing, when some kind soul on Twitter sent me a link to Daniel Levy's 'fuck you' statement. I have never found our chairman hugely attractive, I'll be honest, but at that point I'd, at the very least, have dry-humped his leg.

I don't have the statement to hand, but from memory, it was (in all caps and green ink): 'LET ME MAKE THIS CRYSTAL FUCKING CLEAR. NO ONE'S BUYING ANYONE. NO ONE'S GOING ANYWHERE. IF CHELSEA EVEN TRY AND EMAIL US ABOUT THIS WE'LL CUT JOHN TERRY'S COCK OFF AND FEED IT TO FRANK LAMPARD. NO COMPROMISE. NO NEGOTIATION. NO SALE. NO DEAL. OH, AND THE CLUB WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU ONCE AGAIN FOR YOUR CONTINUED SUPPORT'.

Immediately, inevitably, people wondered if that wasn't more or less exactly what he'd said about Berbatov. And there were echoes, sure (minus the references to John Terry's cock), but for me, Levy's made it personal this time. He's put his word and honour on the line and left no wriggle room. This wouldn't just be a strategic volte-face it would be a humiliating loss of face. And possibly of legs if I get hold of him,

What we need to do now is take an equally firm stance with Luka - though perhaps stopping short of feeding his genitals to Frank Lampard who, let's face it, needs to be eating less not more at this stage of his career.

In fact, once we've made our position clear, we need to give the little guy a way out.

At the very worst, we can play the Bill Murray card (something got lost in translation). Or, preferably, we can take the Rooney route: 'After a long and wholly positive discussion with Daniel Levy and Harry Redknapp I am now fully aware of the ambitious plans they have for Tottenham Hotspur and am certain that we are about to sign the calibre of player that will help me and everyone else at the club realise our goal of competing regularly for the Premier League and Champions League.'

Until then, from me, all you're likely to get is Modric, Modric, Modric...


There's more of this sort of searing insight and casual swearing on Twitter.

1 comment:

  1. Cracking piece of writing, essential reading as always.

    ReplyDelete