Sunday, 29 May 2011

Spurs - an idiot's* guide: the goalkeepers

Okay, so, summer's here, it's an age till the start of the season and we're bored already. So, to fill in time and space and any other dimensions you want to throw in the pot, I'm gonna go through our team/squad and cogitate on who's done well, who's done badly and who's Alan Hutton. We start, of course, in goal and with the Brazilian who many belief lives up to that name not by being a gifted footballer but by being a shaved....

Heurelho Gomes was a big part of us qualifying for the Champions League last year - and he was many people's player of 09/10.

He was no one's player of 10/11. He made some absolute howlers. More than Hart at City, more than Van der Sar at Man Utd, more than Cech at Chelsea and more than Almunia at... okay, he's not that bad. But is he good enough for Spurs?

I'm inclined to say no. When he fucked up against Chelsea I shouted something along the lines of 'that twat's got to go'. His fuck-up riled me even more than the lino's. There is an argument that he makes enough blinding saves to outweigh the embarrassing gaffes. This season I just don't think that's true. He made a couple of outstanding stops at the San Siro, true, but apart from that, not too many 'worldies' spring to mind.

Also, is he starting to actually look like a clown? I don't know, maybe it's an Animal Farm thing, where he's physically morphing into the thing he's acting like. You know before kick-off when he runs across his goal line, jumps and touches the crossbar four times while the crowd goes 'Wooooaaaahhooray!': try playing that in your mind with the 'Da da da-da dadle-a-da-da-da...' music behind it. Basically, that's a clown.

The trouble is, I'm one of the thick, crass and essentially shallow football fans who just can't bear the thought of spending huge money on a goalkeeper. I know it makes all sorts of sense, I know it's just about the most important decision you can make, but it doesn't excite me in any way. It doesn't matter who we sign, I will not be excited, come August, about going to see a new keeper.

A keeper should just stand between the sticks, wait until the ball's there to be stopped and then, y'know, stop it. I don't see goalkeepers as actual footballers, just a rather unreliable way of restarting the game when the real football breaks down.

So, if funds are limited, and the only way to get better than Gomes is to spend £15m. Well, maybe we give him another season.

Plus, he's Sandro's best friend. Those guys fucking love each other. Got to be real careful with the word order there.

The ideal solution's probably to sign Shay Given for the same or less than we get for Gomes and get him on a three year contract with Cudicini sticking around as perfectly adequate cover.

City, however, are hugely unlikely to sell him to us - and certainly rich enough to just let him run down his two year contract, by which time he'll be nearly 40.

I think we may be stuck with the Brazilian for at least another year.

* Just to be clear, I'm the idiot - and it doubles as a half-jokey reference to Harry's famous comment

1 comment:

  1. I always shared your belief that goalies aren’t really football players. They always seem to float above the rest of us, not really caring about anything but their own performances. There’s a certain smugness there, as if to say ‘look at me, I wear a different shirt and I can touch the ball with my hands’. And they are all taller than me. Bastards.

    I’d give Gomes another year, partly for Sandro’s sake. Maybe the two can find a happy medium in the haircut department.