Thursday, 3 March 2011

What Tottenham really 'are'...


More fun with Google!

So, previously we've used our search engine chums to find out which of our players are the most famous, and for what.

Now, let's find out exactly what Spurs 'are'. And what the rest of the Premier League teams 'are'.

Again, it's pretty simple and rigorously scientific: type 'Team name are...' in the Google search box, and see what gets thrown up, in what order.

'Definitive' is the word your looking for.

Let's start at the top of the table with...

Manchester United are:
Crap
Scum
The best
Rubbish
Gay

A trifle harsh on the most successful side of the modern era? Possibly.


Arsenal are:
Crap
Rubbish
The best team in the world
Gay
Poo

Early conclusions: the internet's quite a negative place, isn't it? And yet, I'm surprised there was no place for 'Quite blush-makingly trophyless'.


Manchester City are:
Going to win the Premiership
A joke
Crap
A massive club
The best team in the world
A laughing stock
The new Chelsea

Is that last one an insult? I'm gonna say.... yes.


Chelsea are:
You there Vodka?
Crap
Rubbish
Gay
The Champions
The best team in the world
Shite

Okay, that top one needs some explaining. There's a book, apparently, called Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea.

The title's a piss-take reference to a Judy Blume novel called Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret.

It's by someone called Chelsea Handler, who sounds very much like a West London-based groupie, but she's actually an American comic and author. And the internet likes her more than it likes the Crap/Rubbish/Gay nouveau riche football club/play thing. Good internet.


Uh-oh, here we go....


Tottenham are:
Gay
Rubbish
Better than Arsenal
A joke
The best
Crap
Bigger than Arsenal
Back
A small club
Top

Top? Really? Was Google invented then? Was the internet invented then?



West Ham are:
Crap
A joke
Rubbish
Going down
The best
Dead
Not bad

Somehow it's that last one that's most damning, isn't it?


Newcastle are:
Crap
Relegated
Shite
Going Down
A joke
Given a lifeline by goalkeeper
Always
Going up
Rubbish
Rudderless

I like the last one quite a lot. But the most intriguing, surely, is that wonderfully wistful, enigmatic and ultimately tragic, 'Always'.



And finally, from the bad old days...

Everton are:
Crap
The best
White


If that last entry confuses you somewhat, good.


So, what have we learned?

Well, pretty much all teams are crap, rubbish, shit/shite, a joke and the best.

A lot of them are also gay.

But we're the most gay.

And Arsenal? Well Arsenal are uniquely poo.


Seems as good a last line as any...

Actually, without spoiling that last line thing, if you'd like to follow Such Small Portions on Twitter, that would be completely wonderful. Thank you.

4 comments:

  1. My favourites are Tottenham are...back. And West Ham are...going down. Also you've got to wonder what people are hoping to find by googling [insert team name here] are gay.

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  2. I know, it's a funny old world - and even funnier online.

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  3. Quality. "West Ham are...not bad" is my favourite.

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  4. And the thing is, they'd probably take that...

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