Monday, 7 February 2011

Who are our most famous players?

This is science.

This absolutely isn't science.

But, let me at least explain the methodology. Good science word, methodology.

So, I type our players' names into the Google search box (Hello Google! Did you spot your own name? Do you Google yourself? Please, please notice me) and I note down how many letters it takes for them to become first choice in that predictive drop down menu.

Pretty fucking rigorous, huh? It was like this when I built the Large Hadron Collider. Detail, detail, er, something else.

Okay, if you have a player called, say, Barack Obata, he's probably going to have to wait, what, 1o key strokes till he takes the top spot. So maybe other factors apart from our players' own fame do come into play, but the results were still kind of interesting. And pretty much right, ridiculously enough.

Plus, when they did become the top spot, I checked the next entry under them, to see what it told us about them. In the majority of cases it was 'name injury'. I've experimented (this is science, after all) and that's the case with most footballers. But, amongst our brave boys, those that differed from the norm differed quite significantly, and quite hilariously.

Okay, let's start with the Brazilian by whom we would apparently all like to be cuckolded...

Heurelho Gomes
5 letters plus space
Next entry: Heurelho Gomes red card
The only question is which one. Google goes for Inter Milan. Of all the players not to play the 'injury' banker...

Carlo Cudicini
7 + space
Next entry: Carlo Cudicini injury
Fair enough, but if I was Carlo, I'd have expected 'amazing smash up on very manly motorbike'. And I'd get a lot more sex.

Ben Alnwick
6 + space
Next entry: Ben Alnwick scandal
Bad ben. Yep, it's the traditional footballers' favourite: a roast, a 16 year old girl and a teammate on video camera duties. The word 'traditional' has never been so incongruous. Anyway, more here you salacious devils

Alan Hutton
7+ space
Next entry: Alan Hutton injury

Gareth Bale
Next entry: Gareth Bale jersey
The boy's on fire. Yep, just four little taps and the internet puts our Welsh wizard on top of the pile. That's fame. The jersey thing's a bit disappointing, but just below that is 'Gareth Bale hat-trick'. In six months it'll probably be Gareth Bale transfer. Sad face.

Younes Kaboul
Next entry: Younes Kaboul injury

William Gallas
10 + space
Next entry: William Gallas Samir Nasri
Jesus, not even the internet likes the man with the most curious career path in London football. The prominence of the Nasri spat speaks well of him, mind.

Sebastien Bassong
12 + space
Next entry: Sebastien Bassong wife
The problem here is Sebastian Bach. Not Johan Sebastian Bach, but Sebastian Bach the lead singer with ultimate poodle band Skid Row.
You see, although his name is spelled differently, even when you get past that point of difference at letter eight, Google still insists that you want the shaggy-haired metal man.
He has two sons, by the way, called Paris and London. And two daughters called Down and Out. (He really does have two sons called Paris and London).

Michael Dawson
11 + space
Next entry: Michael Dawson injury
Although I suspect soon it will be 'Michael Dawson worrying loss of form'.

Verdan Corluka
Next entry: Verdan Corluka injury.
Took ages to load, this one.

Ledley King
Next entry: Ledley King news
A good showing in terms of recognition for the captain (just one more key stroke than Bale), but the next few entries tell their own story. I mean they almost literally do.
Here's how it goes: 'Ledley King news' 'Ledley King drunk' 'Ledley King christmas party' 'Ledley King knee injury' 'Ledley King fastest goal' 'Ledley King asleep'. It even ends perfectly!

Benoit Assou Ekotto
7 + space
Next entry: Benoit Assou Ekotto girlfriend
And after 'girlfriend' comes 'contract' and 'salary'.
Our quirky French full-back avoids 'injury' by giving interviews where he says he's happy to stay with his long term girlfriend, because if he got a new one now she'd probably have been with lots of other footballers, and that players sign contracts not because of the colour of the shirt but because of the size of the pay packet.
I can't help liking the little scamp.

Jonathan Woodgate
10 + space
Next entry: Jonathan Woodgate injury

Tom Huddlestone
6 + space
Next entry: Tom Huddlestone stamp
It's because he recently got away without being charged after accidentally coming into unfortunate contact with Bolton's Johan Elmander.

Aaron Lennon
8 + space
Next entry: Aaron Lennon speed
A lot of letters before wee Azza gets recognised, but that's a nice apposite next entry.

Jermaine Jenas
10 + space
Next entry: Jermaine Jenas injury

Rafael van der Vaart
8 + space
Next entry: Rafael van der Vaart twitter
He's @VdVaart_NL10 if you want to check it out. I wouldn't bother though. His last entry was on the morning of July 11th, the day of Holland's World Cup Final against Spain. It says: 'I got a feeling...'. Bit embarrassing.

Wilson Palacios
8 + space
Next entry: Wilson Palacios Barcelona
Because he was suggested as a replacement for YaYa Toure at Barcelona. Yeah, by his agent.

Luka Modric
5 + space
Next entry: Luka Modric Barcelona
At Luka + space, he's beaten by 'Luka and the Fire of Life' which, as you'll know, is a novel by Salman Rushdie. Seems harsh, doesn't it? Google being a bit snobby?
That said, the Fatwa dodger is, to his credit, a loyal Spurs man of 50 years. Fact.
It was the buccaneering football of the Venables/Gascoigne/Lineker side that helped him through his darkest days. Not a fact.
The 'next entry' bit makes me cry all over my stupid face.

Niko Kranjcar
5 + space
Next entry: Niko Kranjcar wife
Not interesting, don't bother, they just got married, that's all.

Next entry: NA
Waste of space. Six characters is his entire name. And even then the top hit is some fashion label. And the next entry is Sandro Botticelli, who, as any fule kno, plays for Sampdoria. His bloody stupid hair annoys me as well.

Steven Pienaar
10 + space
Next entry: Steven Pienaar twitter
He's @therealstevenpi
Not very interesting. I have warmed to new boy Bongani Khumalo, though, since I learned he knocked him out in training. You're right, harsh. Nearly scored Saturday and at least looked lively. Ooh, look at that straw, must try and grab it...

Roman Pavlyuchenko
8 + space
Next entry:
Roman Pavlyuchenko volley
The volley's the one from the defeat to Bolton. The entry after that is
'Roman Pavlyuchenko statistics'. I clicked through and it's a blank page. Edited by Harry, I think.

Jermain Defoe
8+ space
Next entry: Jermain Defoe injury

Peter Crouch
8 + space
Next entry: Peter Crouch robot.
Oh Peter. You have your critics. You have your limitations. You have tendency to be a bit shit. But this is a hell of a performance.
His next entries are: 'robot' 'prostitute' 'weight' 'scandal' and, most astonishingly 'can do anything'. I clicked on this last one, obviously, and sadly it's an internet meme that exploited a particularly unfortunate snap of our man looking especially freakish (I can't say handicapped, can I? No, just checking) as he fails to connect with a volley for England. We love you, Peter.

That's it then. Gareth Bale is officially Spurs' most famous player. Our strikers are all equally average. And Google hates centre backs. That's scientific fact.

Oh, and like it says on the right there, please do follow Such Small Portions on Twitter - @spurs_ssp

1 comment:

  1. Good article. Very Funny.
    And google is right, all of our strikers are average.

    Also, Rafa VDV's twitter is @rafvdvaart, not that other one. It's a verified one.