Saturday, 8 January 2011

No becks please, we're Yiddish

It seems a loan deal for David Beckham is imminent. Even before it's happened it occasionally leads the bulletins on Sky Sports News.

This, though, is the most irrelevant big story ever. The component parts are there, sure enough: Beckham's the most famous English footballer of the last 30 or 40 years (ever?); Spurs are a pretty big Premier League club enjoying an exciting season at home and in Europe; it came as something of a surprise. But still, who cares? Apart from Sky.

Actually, one of Sky's presenters, the shouty Scottish fellow who looks like he might brain bleed from excitement on transfer deadline day, said recently that 'We've had hundreds of texts and emails from Spurs fans wanting to know the latest on the David Beckham situation...'. Really? What were their names? And their ages?

Because any grown-up must realise that it will make no difference whatsoever, to us or him.

He'd be here for six weeks or so. That's shorter than a school holiday.

And let's assume the only place he can play would be wide right. So, the incumbent is Aaron Lennon. And there's no way Beckham should be picked ahead of litte Azza, right?

Look at our man's most recent significant contributions: The winner against Liverpool on the break, the vital first goal against Newcastle (again on the break) and being there to link between Bale and Van der Vaart for the clincher, and possibly the breakaway goal of the season, against Villa.

Beckham wouldn't have been there to contribute in any instance. There'd have just been a handsome shaped hole. Which is sort of what he is even when he's there.

The argument against Lennon, of course, is that he doesn't deliver a quality final ball. There may be some truth in this. But not enough to warrant its status as omnipresent media cliche. And certainly not as much as there used to be. He regularly picks out teammates in good positions, and has become especially good at cutting back to the edge of the box where players like VdV, Modric and Jenas tend to arrive cleverly - and where players like Pavulchenko and Crouch tend to be because they're too fucking slow.

Other supposed pluses? Well, merchandising, apparently. But really? Doesn't seem likely. I mean, who'd get the name of a girlfriend tattooed on them if they knew they were splitting up with them in six weeks? Actually, David Beckham, possibly. And he may well be only one with his name on a Spurs shirt, as well.

Then there's the 'good influence' argument. Presumably our training ground is currently something like Pimp My Lord of the Flies. With Kevin Bond's head on a stick in the centre circle. Becks just has to show up, dribble round a few cones whilst concentrating so hard that his tongue lolls out the side of his mouth and this will inspire our entire squad to stop hoovering up coke and driving their Baby Bentleys into pensioners.

Nope, sorry, I just don't see what he brings to us and what a month and a half on our bench will do for him.

He's being loaned to us like an exhibit. We need an experienced centre forward, with the presence to spearhead an attack on his own, the speed to maximise the runs of Lennon and Bale and the skill to link with VdV - not the Elgin Marbles, or even the Golden Balls.

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